Have been long, long and long time I didn’t increase the content of my blog. I did stop and look back the steps that I had walk in life journey, counted the blessing, learned form the struggles in cursing, and had accumulated many regrets and appreciations in memory, just lazy to write it down for sharing or myself as a personal report.

 The great chance in me after these two months of job hunting, and then settlement in Penang was my Life perception.

I stick a CROSS in my mind >>> + , not the meaning of Jesus Christ only, but the meaning of POSITIVE.

For example: I feel blessed when I found the solution of a problem rather than blame for the problem why it come to me. And because of problem, I had enhanced my solving skill,:D. Anyway, I feel more blessed if the day has no problem come to me, haha.

Positive thinking will bring you great joy. Challenge is how to be optimistic and have positive thinking.

Remember, all things work together for good –Roman 8.28

You only can learn more when problem come. By the way, what is problem? Something difficult to deal with or control, something not favor and frustration incur. Therefore, no one like problem, everyone look for smooth and perfect life…happy relationship with no offence, no break down of household appliance and vehicle, no working task error and everything perfect with compliments, test and examination always 100% marks in getting, body healthy and no disease in trouble….HAHAHA.

Well, is that possible?

Out of my expectation, I’ve back to Penang again, back to work in Dell again, living in Sungai Dua again, decide to back to EPCC again. Everything happened out of my planning and control. But I felt happy for those setting and felt blessed for those change to no change. I spend my every moment to understand what God want me to learn in his setting. Feel good everyday is a learning day.

Anyway, I have 2 frequent practices now that I never do before in the day I was in Penang last 3 years.

1.)    Pray for God to protect my little old Kancil not to break down on road and safety journey.

2.)    Accumulate my cloths and dump in the washing machine then goyang kaki.

  :D ,haha  

I don’t know how to enjoy songs of
Europe classic. I felt tension every time the classical music flow to me. There was an intense argument between my brother and I last week, when I criticized his performance of piano was so and so disturbing. I don’t understand how and why he fell in love with that historical
Europe music, and so addict to it everyday in his life. He can play classical music of grade 8 level without undergo one day of piano lesson He learned it by his artistic sensitivity and passion in music. His eye is sparking when describing how amazing the classical music’s code in structure, how the feeling flow and story inherent in one music.

Oh God! He appears to me is “weird” as I can’t experience the spirit that he mentioned through the song.

I have best friend studies music in KL. Her major is classical music and performance. She fetched me to KL last week for helping me to attend a job interview and we had a long talk along the journey and in her place. She showed me the pictures of music orchestras, the grand hall in KLCC, and describing the classical spirit of her lecturers. As her story moved on, I was counting the money and effort that spending in pursue the dream of music in my mind.

Oh God! Classical music is too expensive. Fees of piano & tuition lessons, examination fees, buying instruments and books, grande toilette…

            Classicism implies a spirit of discipline, balance and tradition (referred notes). Thus, it appears to me tension and control. Besides, during the classic era, elegance and tradition were the qualities that were most prized (referred notes). The elegance of classical music still in prevalence today, thus the price for getting qualification to involve in classical world is high. Places that value the classicism the most are countries that rich in historical basis, higher status of life (Europe countries: England, France,
Italy..). The value of Classicism is reflected by its material price and its discipline of origin.

            Although my brother is interested in music, but my family is impossible can afford to realize his dream, it is too expensive. However, it doesn’t mean that we will surrender our destiny to reality. God loves me and brother very much since young. My uncle lent us his piano and books when I was in secondary and my brother in primary, and we developed our knowledge by our own. Anyway, my brother excelled very much better than me as I don’t appreciate classical music and I discouraged by my little short fingers. Although my brother can’t live music as major but he can take it as minor.

My friend made appointment with me to
Italy for admiring the historical heritance there (especially art of music) with her if possible one day in future when we have money. I pondered for a while and smile, “Hey, I am not belong to that high class of world lar, I want to go to
Africa (got lion, leopard and elephant.).”For me, they are too ‘high class’ and a lot of constrain (discipline). Classic world live in tradition where there are controlled by status and law. For me, people who succeed to achieve high status are not only elegant but arrogant (very take matter of identity and status). [I am sorry for bias thinking and stereotyping the high status’s people]

 Everyone like art, but people only come to those arts that match their personality, emotionality. Since I have no high discipline with strong concentration, sharp listening and memory skills, I don’t think I can enjoy classical music very much in this way. Classical music appears to me is high degree of formality, a need of senses consumption. I am more preferring informal and intuitive way of art expression.

Formality makes things/people in management and systematic. As the size of organization grows bigger, the higher will be the degree of formality. As big community, big churches, they have higher degree of formality in division of responsibilities, authority and decision making. Formality is a must, but how to make it work with no tension? I am wondering. Just as the case of me now, is trying to enjoy classical music, trying my best to balance my sense and feeling to understand the story inside.

 Ya, the clue is BALANCE.

Oh, home alone today, all my housemates are outing for fun. They have all their assignments done; can shopping and eating happily with a relief heart. Poor me, still have to keep on working for my report for Monday submission. After sadly said No to them for going out, then doing my report, whilst writing a post, whilst singing “lonely, oh I am lonely..”

I had gone through a tough life in the process of doing this research course. My supervisor is strict and particular to my writing. I am discouraged of what he commented sometime. “Non-sense”, “You can’t write something by heart, people would not understand”, “ if you still not stick to one angle, go around one issue, you will never can finish this research”, “ this is not your level and capability to question this”, “an idealistic research will spend you years and years..”.

Well, blessing in disgust, I gained a lot under his supervision. Although there are conflicts in between, but I understand his intention is for my good, to let me learn and improve. He really a kind man, as he was willing to spend times correct me, guiding me since this is just an elective course. 3 months of this assignment, I’ve learn to take ownership of my words of writing, learn to attentive to minor mistakes, know is time to improve my grammar, learn to adapt to rule-bound thinking…….

I know, I will miss the time that I blamed. The precious lesson that I got in these days is learn to value tough things in my life with heart of appreciation.

Smile though it is tough.

This was the day i day dreamed in lecture hall again. And so I failed to get the whole picture of lecture about, just had a few sentences that direct me to have a better understanding of life “a good investor should invest but not speculate…”

Walking in a journey of uncertainty, I  attach to insecurity and fears. In order to have a better control of my journey forward, I use to analyze my life rather live my life. The first principle that rules my mind is “our fate is formulated by universal force”, the running system of causality (as Buddhism’s belief, cause and effect).
Causality appears as a logic reason and compatible to many facts of world. For example about life: effect with restless life (spiritual unease in ways of sickness, suffering, depression, and so on.) caused by previous sins of doing. What punishment or reward distributed in a future life based on the performance today. However, it is not easy to compose the formula of causality. We just get the fact that “do good things, collect good deeds, blessing life in future: do bad things, collect sins, cursing life in future”, but we never know how this fact actually happens in control our fate. In fact, theory of Buddhism did explain how deeds and sins happen in control our life, if I am not mistaken it is happen in impact our spirit through a very complicated forces. I wonder, if the theory of causality is so true to explain the world, why God never emphasis it in bible and explain the theory of it. This results me in two doubts: 1.) doubt of the accuracy of causality, 2.) doubt of the informative level of Christianity.
But now, I didn’t put my thought locked by either of this doubt anymore, but in hesitation of what is the right way i should go to understand the truth of Christianity.

Dictionary’s explanation :
Speculate–To assume to be true without conclusive evidence.
Invest –1)To commit (money or capital) in order to gain a financial return/ 2.)to devote morally or psychologically, as to a purpose; commit

Human never have the power to have conclusive evidence of fate. Even you are philosopher, fate researcher, or metaphysician even supernatural power possessor, you just only can speculate life with the knowledges/skills/limited power you have, but still unable/no right to fully control and conclude someone life. In fact, Buddhism is also origin from philosophy, but not religion. The intention of most people in speculate life, is want to understand how their life going, in order to convert miserable life to a better life.
It is a precious blessing of gift for christian to invest (commit) thier life in kingdom of God rather than speculate thier life to conquer the uncertainty. God’s loves and promises are so warm in thier heart.

But tonight, im modifying this passage of words that i wrote last week after the discovery of the real me is hardly stop to speculate fate,which i know i shouldn’t. Since young, Mum scolded me was a rebellious girl who like to learn from a hard way; Teachers and lecturer commented me a student who dont know how to follow instruction and fix to one angle in study. I used to create so many troubles and failures for myself in practice of thinking too many of why and possibilities in issue that i serious to.Uneasy mind with full of confusions and doubts if choose to speculate.Well, speculator is part of investor too, just kind of investor exposure to risk more than others.

In doing a research on ethical perception of business, impressed by a term name Machiavellianism which refers to the personality trait of immorality, in which prone to manipulate and exploit others to accomplish one’s goal. Machiavellians appear in confident, glib and arrogant, carrying the attribute of calculating and cynical, priority goal of life is gaining and keeping power. Their belief is clear, power is more important than love.

It inspired me a lot the meaning of Christ in us in sudden. It is the inspiration too for construction of my feeling into form of reason that persist me in Christianity in this 2 years. Yes, I hold on to God because of His theory of love and empathy. I summarize it in point forms of three.

1.) Sin; One of the reason why human creates sin because they
Distrust people, so they reject to behave honesty and taking empathic and personal approach in interaction with others. They don’t believe in human are essentially in good nature and have good intention all the times, and so they choose to believe in power. It is because power gives them the sense of security than love. Term of power here refer to the physical power (violence), status of political and monetary or the standard of worldly achievement. In condition of unconsciously, passion of power pursuit might deprive their conscience and love. Depend on the degree of its impact.

Generally, human behave in distrust a lot of times is because they let fear direct their rationality. There could be the fear of being abandoned or rejected, fear of betrayer, fear of being discouraged, and fear of being discriminated, fear of group-out, fear and fears. May be is because they experienced this fear before or may be they witness someone close to them tortured by this fear resulted experience before. No matter what possibility of reasons, we should pay attention to this injury that is not yet in recovery.
In this condition, love and empathy would be the best medicine.
Hence, God’s theory is the best medicine.

2.) Hope from repentance
The most uncertainty change of a person is if the person carries the attribute of repentance prone. Be careful; don’t judge that kind of person in immediate. Personality in develop every seconds and minutes with the practice of autocriticism.
This repentance of practice is space for God injection us with wisdom or life teaching.

3.) Love God
I felt lost when Christians’ saying of love God .In seeking the meaning of it, I am thinking what is the ways to love God. Serve God? Seek and follow God will? Evangelism? Biblical study? Live in righteousness? I am in confusion. I personally feel that these are the actions that not must the result of Love God, could be the force of fear God or obey God by expectation from surrounding too .Suddenly, there was a word caught my attention while contemplating the meaning of Love God . Oh yes, Empathy. The attribution of one’s own feelings to God. Sensation is the gift for creature beings. Love can be felt in utilization of this gift. Well, it is not easy to have feel with someone of cause, unless in condition that the existence of connection, kind of connection that paying trust and favor for each other. Grace of God touching our heart and life, it is operating by a mean of magnetism, attracting and directing our sensation to Him.Consequently, follow, workship and serve Him with all by heart.That is love God.

My mind was obstructed in apprehend the meaning of friendship. Being seized by a whim, I called my brother for insights and clues. A guy who is younger than me of  5 years old, gave me his basic analysis of the meaning of friendship .I was blessed indeed by this voice afar.  

“ It is common for a people to seek friends in community through someone’s apparent behavior of attribute”… A joke, a smile, a warm hand shake, a friendly eye contact, are giving a sense of approachability and acceptance as encouragement for step forward as a friendship beginning. “The choosing of a friend in beginning is simple, someone SEEMS to fit in with me” 

Well. The meaning of friendship is more than that. Everyone knows that.

 “Reject to behave frankness in intention to protect a relationship” Doubt of each other is common because you can’t speculate the trueness of someone most of the times. In friendship of little interaction, with little information, we use to assume the character of someone immediately in reason of self-protection.   ‘I am surely will not take risk to tease someone who looked fierce, serious, feeling of smallness and bear grudges.’ Dare you? Besides, no one like to be frankness if she cannot surely she will be accepted. Eg: “I am a failure, I am very poor, I am liar, I am a sinner… so shame of me. We doubt we will not be accepted as the true face of us. We hide, we pretend, we doubt because we have no TRUST of people will accept us with LOVE of forgive, considerate and understanding. In fact, barrier of trust is stick to every relationship despite of time range and blood of connection. Because we unable to truly understand in someone? God never ask us to be wise and intellectual in order to understand everything and every people heart. But He ask us to hold on the innocent heart of LOVE. With love, there is  no doubt, no blame, no rejection, no immediate assumption, no judgment…..1 Corinthians :13

“Mask ourselves with smile even hatred in heart, pretend of no grudge even war yesterday” In reality, hypocrite is necessary for perceivable peace of world. We have to learn to be a good pretender for world peace of systematic flow. We have to mask ourselves in name of politeness and respect. Want to be real? Let’s cast away the hatred, doubt, disagreement and behave in sincerity. How? Refer to love, the source of energy to forgive and passion to considerate. How to love? Refer to Jesus Christ. Rationality will tradeoff the innocent heart of believe, the faith in Christ, the faith in power of Love. Rationality makes us make comparison with each other, differences and status determination. As the day Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil (discretion), the tradeoff was running, sinning was roaring …Make this consciousness balances our faith with reality. As Christian, no faith abandon. Reality, we care but with conscience and love.